Although I have written a dozen no show entries... They all seem like the same thing every time I get started and here is another one... Are these entries the only thing keeping me alive? I wonder.. And yet they aren't being posted... I keep thinking why can't I dig my way out of this hole??
Face book is farce book if you ask me... If ever someone was designed to NOT be on facebook it is me... I'm an introvert.. Big time introvert.. The few friends I have are mostly family.. With a few friends of my older brother that must feel like they have to friend me .... I hate facebook... But when I feel good I generally feel alright.. But ever since the first of this year my back has bothered me... I have been unemployed for the better part of the new century...
I will admit I have been depressed recently... Actually when I think of it I have been depressed a LOT.. But upon this year coming around and for no other reason than the fact that I see no reason to continue on... This past November my mom had said yet another one of her favorite well when I die things.. And it was either late October or November she had said that and it made me think but what if I die first??? I mean there was an issue at one point where I either had a dream or a sudden thought crossed my mind that I might die first and then January happened and it was kinda a foretelling of something like that could happen... Back when I was in high school I had this thinking. How long do you think you will live, what age?? I thought at the time 55... Fifty five sounds reasonable.. I think at the time my dad had an issue with his health and I thought he was fifty five at the time.. And things go down hill from there and they really did.. but then November happened and I thought how can I leave my legacy such as it is for people to see?? And so I got some SD cards and put some of my videos together.. I wanted my family to see some of the videos.. Although after last night looking at the videos on YouTube I realized NOBODY WATCHES THEM... The video project was a huge waist of time.. I feel so stupid most of the time but in this case I really felt stupid... I have no money so I can't buy a gift.. I have no money so I don't want anyone to buy me a gift.. Christmas sucks... Facebook sucks... And now YouTube SUCKS...
I struggle to see a reason to move forward.. If it weren't for the fact I'm afraid of death I would likely have died more than ten years ago...
So why can't I really get a job?? Why did I hate the job I had and why can't I get a job now?? Well I'm an introvert which isn't enough of a reason to remain unemployed for so long... I live within my mind.. I try to explain it to myself first.. But I live within my mind.. And when I don't I see how I really am and I find myself depressed and find myself seeing on facebook my older brothers friends with their lives and families and all I can think it why am I still alive.. I have nothing to offer anyone... Back in January I had a nurse filling out paper work asked me do I ever think of suicide.. And my truthful answer was to say yes, but who hasn't.. I had already answered a question truthfully (do you drink hard liqueur, and I answered yes, by very mindful if they ask you that question that even if you are drunk on your ass at the hospital the answer is no, I never touch the stuff...) Suicide, what me??? NEVER... but in reality have you seen my life?? What life I have?? Lack therein of said same??? The question I really have is why am I still alive???
I watched that show thirteen reasons about a high school girl who ends her life... Really why kill yourself at that age, you are young, the sun will come out again tomorrow... Why I would off myself?? Hey I'm a few months from my target date, why not off myself... To me it isn't suicide if I'm the age I am, it's more of an option to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...
Earlier today I was at a funeral, mom wanted to go and I said yes if she couldn't find anyone else to take her.. I'm not a fan of funerals or weddings for the same reason...
Well todays entry gets the rare opportunity.. this one gets to be seen by nobody although it is live... See you later...
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